I have given up on myself, so my outpatient therapist has given up on me.
Okay, so maybe “given up” is an exaggeration on my therapist’s part; she has simply told me that she is “unable to help [me] if I cannot meet her halfway.” She cannot sit back and watch me ignore the meal plan, neglect my meds, and engage in behaviors. She cannot force me to choose recovery; I have to want it.
But, I don’t want it.
As I was sitting in her office today, unresponsive and disinterested, I realized that for the first time in three years of treatment, I [legit] do not want to continue. I have learned so many skills and techniques to be able to overcome my eating disorder, but I always manage to end up in the same dead-end situation– unable to continue using those skills and techniques, unable to leave behind the disorder.
So, where the hell do I go from here? Do I quit my job? Go into default on my mortgage payments, student loans? Leave behind my boyfriend, friends, coworkers? All just to go into some treatment facility where I’ll learn the same skills and techniques, only to stop using them shortly thereafter? Where does this vicious cycle end?
I feel stuck– like this is as good as my life will get. I feel like I am incapable of achieving full recovery and at the same time, I feel like I will never get sick enough to the point of hospitalization or death (neither of which are true, I know). I’ve convinced myself that I can live my life with this disorder without any consequences—good or bad.
I don’t want to give up, but I feel as though there’s no other way to fight this anymore.