A little over three years ago, I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. In the three years since, I have been trying my hardest to stick to a life revolving around recovery. Let me tell you… it is NOT easy! In fact, it has been the most difficult journey I have ever been on and it still continues to be. I will post “My Story” soon, which details the long and tedious journey– but, for now, I would like to chat about my current recovery struggle.
I have been in and out of treatment like a revolving door. I finally thought I beat this damn demon after my last round of PHP & IOP. Ha, ED won’t let me off the hook that easy. I was almost done with outpatient therapy this summer… almost, then life got stressful and ED decided to creep back in. Now, I am back to where I was a year ago– not really sure if I want recovery and giving into that stupid, stupid voice. It’s gotten to the point where my therapist is, yet again, threatening a higher level of care (we’ve been here many times before). After all, “why do I still continue to see her if I don’t do anything she tells me to do?” I don’t know… why do I?
Because if I don’t, I feel that absolutely ALL will be lost. If I don’t go and at least listen to what she has to say, ED will win and there is still a teeny tiny part of me that doesn’t want him to win. If I don’t see her, I have to admit that I am sicker than I thought and that is the LAST thing I want to do. So, you see my predicament? In my mind, if I am still going to therapy (even if it is at the wrong level) then I am still doing something to fight the eating disorder. I don’t see it as a waste of time because it is [kind of] proactive.
I feel like my reasoning won’t make sense to most people, but I am hoping that someone understands. It is so freaking hard trying to get back on track when the train has completely derailed. The ED voice is so LOUD right now, but so is my voice. ED says, “Don’t eat, exercise a little more, and show them what you’re capable of.” And, my voice says, “I’m not sick. No, I don’t need a higher level of care. My life is going good, so why should I interrupt that with nonsense?” They contradict one another, which makes me come across as extremely stubborn to everyone around me. I feel like I can’t win, I feel like I am stuck in a deep, deep rut. Recovery is a bitch.